Have you ever done this with your child?
Children are an heritage of the Lord.
(Psalms 127:3)
Of course we would never react so overtly when other grown, mature people. But why would we do this with those who are coming into maturity, who are still learning, and who are trying to become like their role models (who, ideally, would be their own parents)? It just doesn't make sense.
If it's common knowledge that you should not strike another person, shouldn't hitting someone completely defenseless be even more appalling?
In all things, we need to strive to be like the Savior Jesus Christ. "He is the way, the truth, and the life." He gave us the perfect example of how to treat others, especially children.
May I suggest three tried and true principles that may help us avoid such a paradoxical calamity? These principles not only apply to parents for their children, but in any interpersonal relationship.
Principle 1: "Charity Never Faileth."(1 Corinthians 15:8)
Have you ever felt that you receive just too much love? I'm not talking about that girl back when you were little who would constantly pester you with paper hearts and smooches. I'm talking about unconditional acceptance of who you are and genuine concern for your well-being.
The need to be needed is so important to us as people, right along with food and safety. We want to be accepted. We want to be understood. Is this not the same - if not more so - for children? Our love for them should not be given as a reward nor taken away as a punishment. This turns it into a tool for manipulation. Love should never be described like this. It's not a weapon for chastisement, nor a carrot to be dangled in front of a child for good behavior.
Don't we want to loved unconditionally? Shouldn't we love our children the same? Love is not a currency to buy good behavior, nor a tool of retribution to punish bad behavior by withdrawing it. When we deny our child love when she misbehaves ("Just ignore her," or "I won't talk to you when to act this way," or "Go to your room.") or only give it when they do good, we are communicating to them that our love for them is dependent on how they act, thus giving us the reward of their cooperation. But what's the cost?
The danger in this approach is that only their behavior will change. Behavior is just another word for application. Therefore, focussing on what a child is doing completely negates what they are thinking or how they are feeling. More on this in just a bit.
Love needs to be freely given. Don't worry about spoiling your children with it. Said Dr. Lawrence Steinberg:
I can think of plenty of children who have suffered because their parents were too busy, too selfish, or too preoccupied to attend tho their needs. But I've never met a child who was worse off because his parents loved him too much. It is simply not possible to spoil a child with love. (Steinberg, The Ten Basic Principles of Good Parenting, pg. 27)
Withholding your love to "toughen up" your kids or to get them used to the "cold, hard world" will only hinder them, teaching them that giving and receiving approval and developing strong interpersonal relationships are not to be desired and are somehow bad. Some parents believe that by showing too much affection they will handicap their child's emotional development, when in reality just the opposite is true. Again, Dr. Steinberg:
When children feel genuinely loved, they develop such a strong sense of security that they are almost less needy. A famous study of whether parents should respond to their baby's cries during the middle of the night made this point very nicely. Contrary to those who believe that comforting a baby who cries out will only reward the baby's behavior and lead to more crying, the researchers found that the opposite is true. Babies who are comforted when they cry out during the night tend to cry less, not more, over time. The reason is simple enough: babies cry out when they wake during the night because they are scared and disoriented. Being comforted makes them feel more secure and this enables them to sleep better. (pg. 29)
In this case, you cannot have too much of a good thing.
Principle 2: Get to the bottom of things.
Let's say that you are a pretty even-tempered person. Not a whole lot gets to you and that is your general reputation: easy-going and pleasant. This morning, however, you sleep through your alarm on the morning that you were supposed to give that big presentation to your supervisors and now have to rush to make it in time, only to find that you're out of soap in the shower. There's a big accident on the road you take to work, setting you even further behind schedule, and frankly those maniacs blaring their subwoofers at max volume in the sedan behind you making your whole car vibrate aren't helping the situation. When you get to work you have to drive around the parking lot several times before you can find a spot to park. You rush to the conference room, walking in late, out of breath, and frustrated. When you finally finish your presentation you walk of the room with your head hanging, feeling like you did a pretty lousy job. Your inbox for your job looks just as unrelenting as ever, and as you try to plow your way through it you do your best to ignore those two hooligans in the cubicle next to you who just can't seem to stop arguing. Your computer is acting up again, making work so much more annoying and, wouldn't you know it, your printer runs out of ink. One thing leads to another the whole day long - just one of those classic rotten days. When you finally get home, tired, beaten, frustrated and discouraged, you are greeted by your spouse asking you how your day went. Without even really meaning to you reply with a curt, sarcastic remark. All of the sudden, your spouse - that one person who should understand you and love you like no one else - goes off on you! You only hear criticisms about how you can't be pleasant and how you should try to be more cheerful. Then - can you believe it - you are sent away! Your presence is suddenly unbearable to your loved one.
How would you feel in this moment? After all you've been through your beloved judged you based on a single moment of how you acted, taking absolutely nothing into account of why you were acting that way.
Children will often behave in ways that seem to us to be out of line, unacceptable, or maybe just plain annoying. They'll hit, scream, and throw tantrums. They'll talk back and cry uncontrollably. But why do they do this?
Have you ever asked? Have you ever tried to discern what's going on?
All people, whether their two or ninety-two, want and long to be understood.
Children are at a natural disadvantage when it comes to regulating their emotions mainly because they haven't come to understand or label them yet. That comes with time and practice, and as parents we can and must help them to do so.
If you toddler daughter is throwing a tantrum it is probably because she is sad or afraid, which is often manifest (even in grown adults) in anger. Find out why she's upset. Get to the root of the problem. Focussing on the behavior will only affect the surface, leaving the deep, underlying emotions untouched and unvalidated. Author Alfie Kohn explains,
Unconditional parenting assumes that behaviors are just the outward expression of feelings and thoughts, needs and intention. In a nutshell, it's the child who engages in a behavior, not just the behavior itself, that matters. They act this way rather than that way for many different reasons, some of which may be hard to tease apart. But we can't just ignore those reasons and respond only to the effects (that is, the behaviors.) If, for example, it turned out that Abigail was really being defiant because she's worried about the implications of our paying so much attention to her baby brother, then we're going to have to deal with that, not merely try to stamp out the way she's expressing her fear. (Alfie Kohn, Unconditional Parenting, pg. 15)
Rewards and love withdrawal communicate quite effectively, "I love you when you do what I want." It might get temporary compliance from your child, but completely undermines a strong, healthy relationship with him. I'm not saying that a child will need a time out every once in a while to recollect herself and take a breather or that we shouldn't thank a child when he helps set the table and plays with his little sister. The thing is to focus on why we react that way, emphasizing what they're becoming, not what they're doing.
Don't we want to loved unconditionally? Shouldn't we love our children the same? Love is not a currency to buy good behavior, nor a tool of retribution to punish bad behavior by withdrawing it. When we deny our child love when she misbehaves ("Just ignore her," or "I won't talk to you when to act this way," or "Go to your room.") or only give it when they do good, we are communicating to them that our love for them is dependent on how they act, thus giving us the reward of their cooperation. But what's the cost?
The danger in this approach is that only their behavior will change. Behavior is just another word for application. Therefore, focussing on what a child is doing completely negates what they are thinking or how they are feeling. More on this in just a bit.
Love needs to be freely given. Don't worry about spoiling your children with it. Said Dr. Lawrence Steinberg:
I can think of plenty of children who have suffered because their parents were too busy, too selfish, or too preoccupied to attend tho their needs. But I've never met a child who was worse off because his parents loved him too much. It is simply not possible to spoil a child with love. (Steinberg, The Ten Basic Principles of Good Parenting, pg. 27)
Withholding your love to "toughen up" your kids or to get them used to the "cold, hard world" will only hinder them, teaching them that giving and receiving approval and developing strong interpersonal relationships are not to be desired and are somehow bad. Some parents believe that by showing too much affection they will handicap their child's emotional development, when in reality just the opposite is true. Again, Dr. Steinberg:
When children feel genuinely loved, they develop such a strong sense of security that they are almost less needy. A famous study of whether parents should respond to their baby's cries during the middle of the night made this point very nicely. Contrary to those who believe that comforting a baby who cries out will only reward the baby's behavior and lead to more crying, the researchers found that the opposite is true. Babies who are comforted when they cry out during the night tend to cry less, not more, over time. The reason is simple enough: babies cry out when they wake during the night because they are scared and disoriented. Being comforted makes them feel more secure and this enables them to sleep better. (pg. 29)In this case, you cannot have too much of a good thing.
Principle 2: Get to the bottom of things.
How would you feel in this moment? After all you've been through your beloved judged you based on a single moment of how you acted, taking absolutely nothing into account of why you were acting that way.
Children will often behave in ways that seem to us to be out of line, unacceptable, or maybe just plain annoying. They'll hit, scream, and throw tantrums. They'll talk back and cry uncontrollably. But why do they do this?
Have you ever asked? Have you ever tried to discern what's going on?
All people, whether their two or ninety-two, want and long to be understood.
Children are at a natural disadvantage when it comes to regulating their emotions mainly because they haven't come to understand or label them yet. That comes with time and practice, and as parents we can and must help them to do so.
If you toddler daughter is throwing a tantrum it is probably because she is sad or afraid, which is often manifest (even in grown adults) in anger. Find out why she's upset. Get to the root of the problem. Focussing on the behavior will only affect the surface, leaving the deep, underlying emotions untouched and unvalidated. Author Alfie Kohn explains,
Unconditional parenting assumes that behaviors are just the outward expression of feelings and thoughts, needs and intention. In a nutshell, it's the child who engages in a behavior, not just the behavior itself, that matters. They act this way rather than that way for many different reasons, some of which may be hard to tease apart. But we can't just ignore those reasons and respond only to the effects (that is, the behaviors.) If, for example, it turned out that Abigail was really being defiant because she's worried about the implications of our paying so much attention to her baby brother, then we're going to have to deal with that, not merely try to stamp out the way she's expressing her fear. (Alfie Kohn, Unconditional Parenting, pg. 15)
The Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance [behaviors], but the Lord looketh on the heart. (1 Samuel 16:7)
Principle 3: "Can't Buy Me Love."
As stated earlier, our love for our children (and other loved ones) should not be a tool for manipulation, given or withdrawn as if it's a reward for good behavior. This is manifest in two different ways:
- Love withdrawal. Ignoring a child when she's trying to get your attention, sending your son to his room when he talks back, or even saying outright, "I don't want to be around you when you act that way," sends the very clear message: "Go away." The child's presence becomes undesirable, and she recognizes that very well.
- Rewarding good behavior. This might seem a little strange. We naturally want to reinforce good behavior, but throwing your kid a bone every time he does something nice is counter-productive. When we shower our kids with praises and goodies - whether they be physical or emotional - for doing what we ask, we start to put conditions on our love.
Which is more effective: telling a child "Good job!" when he helped to wash the dishes or thanking him for helping to make mommy or daddy's job easier? Focussing on what your child is becoming rather that what she is doing will help her develop strong moral character and intrinsic motivation. Said Kohn:
Intrinsic motivation basically means you like what you're doing for its own sake, whereas extrinsic motivation means you do something as a means to an end - in order to get a reward or avoid a punishment. It's the difference between reading a book because you want to find out what happens in the next chapter and reading because you've been promised a sticker or a pizza for doing so. (pg. 33)
Trying to be like Jesus.
A teacher of mine, Diane Soelberg, once taught me a profound truth. She observed, "Have you ever noticed that parents will often tell their children to go to their room or go to time out when they misbehave, in essence saying, "Go away?" But when we misbehave, the Savior says to us, "Come unto me."
In all things we need to try to be like Jesus.
And ye see that I have commanded that none of you should go away, but rather have commanded that ye should come unto me, that ye might feel and see [the emblems of my love for you.] (3 Nephi 18:25)
Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God. (Mark 10:14)
Let us remember the old Roman story about Cornelia, who confronted by other women asking her, presumably mockingly, about her worn down clothing and lack of fine things of apparel, brought her two children close to her and responded, "These are my jewels."
Let us remember how merciful and patient our Heavenly Father has been with us.
Let us treat our own children the same.
Sources Cited:
-Steinberg, Dr. Lawrence, The Ten Basic Principles of Good Parenting, Simon and Schuster, New York, NY, 2004
-Kohn, Alfie, Unconditional Parenting, Atria Books, New York, NY, 2005
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