My most coveted title.

Disclaimer: This is a long one, but it's that important to me.

As primary children we sing, “I’m so glad when Daddy comes home.” Why would we be glad? What does Daddy have to offer? Isn’t he the butt of most family jokes as the buffoon who doesn’t know what’s going on, or who’s constantly being walked all over by the mother? Isn’t he more of an extra child who happens to bring home a paycheck, as commonly seen on TV sitcoms?

            The typical view of fatherhood today is degrading to the sacred title of “Father.” What should a real father be, and what should he do?

            First: Preside

            The First Presidency and Quorum of the twelve Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints stated in The Family: A Proclamation to the World, that, “By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness.” To “preside” does not imply to rule or to dominate. It simply means that he is the one that makes sure that things regarding the family get done, whether this is family prayer and home evening, family councils, projects around the house, whatever. As the presider, he is the one to lead, meaning, to inspire, invigorate, and set the example. He does not tower over his wife, but she does not step on him either. They work together as a team. But when things need to be moved forward, Daddy needs to take the first step.

            Second: Provide

            In The Family proclamation, the presiding Brethren continue to say, “…Fathers…are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families.” They have the role of “bread winner” for the household. “Verily I say unto you, that every man who is obliged to provide for his own family, let him provide, and he shall in nowise lose his crown” (D&C 75:28). President Ezra Taft Benson, in his talk entitled “To Fathers in Israel,” (1987) suggests that this is primarily due to the responsibility of Mom to stay home to care for the children. He even declares that this is her right – to have a husband provide for her and the kids: “While she cares for and nourishes her children at home, her husband earns the living for the family, which makes this nourishing possible.”

            Third: Protect

            The world is a scary place. Crime, natural disasters, economic crises, immorality, the list goes on. For every single one of these topics, whether they be physical, mental, social, or spiritual, it is Dad’s responsibility to make sure that nothing harmful enters his family’s home (again, utilizing his role as the presider to make sure that the protection happens.) He keeps the house in good repair to protect his family from the possible storms of nature. He ensures that internet filters are in place, and that no book, magazine, CD or movie that could harm them passes through those doors. He is selective and cautious of whom his children spend time with (especially those who want to date his daughters.) He keeps himself healthy mentally active to be able to ward off any potential criminal or ill-comer – anyone who would negatively impact his home. That house needs to be as close to the Temple as possible, and he is the one to check the “recommends” of any who wish to enter.

            Fourth: Play

            Who wants a boring Dad? When I was an EFY counselor I conducted an activity designed to help the youth become more familiar with Heavenly Father by writing down the attributes of a perfect Dad. The first attribute I heard one night in particular was, “fun.” It struck home. How often do we recognize Dad’s responsibilities to spend sufficient time in the office or on the job site, to make sure the family is up and getting ready for church, and to ward off those weird potential boyfriends? But how often to do we forget that Dad is also the one to help the kids build that tree house, to dress up silly for his baby girl’s tea party, and to teach his boys how to throw and catch a baseball? He is to be a coach and a cheerleader. “Having Dad there makes all the difference.” (Benson, 1987)

            Fifth: Love

            Dad should be respected, but never feared. His strength is not for hurting. His passion and indignation should be directed toward those who would harm his family, not those who are in it. Yes, he will need to provide discipline at times, but not sentences. Children will mess up and Dad needs to be there to help restore order, keeping their well-being as his highest priority. When a child does wrong, his or her parent might say, “Go to your room,” or “Go to ‘time out.’” However, the Savior will open His arms to us when we make mistakes and say, “Come unto me.”

            Our Father in Heaven has set a perfect example for us who wish to be good fathers. He teaches, leads, inspires, uplifts, and loves us unconditionally. Sure, He might not like a lot of things we do, but that will never, ever stop Him from loving us with all that He is.

Let me get this straight....

If only everyone just understood exactly what you mean in everything you say, right? Life would just be so much easier. No more of this confusing, read-between-the-lines game we're constantly playing. We wouldn't have to ask "What did that really mean?" anymore. Just imagine..........

Of course, that's not going to happen anytime too soon. The trick is to learn how to understand and to be understood. This requires a good amount of humility - to be able to explain what we feel in the language of the person to whom we are speaking, as well as trying to understand them in their own language.

If I speak in a foreign language that you don't understand, no matter how clearly I dictate the words or how simple the grammar, you will not be able to understand. This is in no way your fault. If a Swede comes up to me and starts speaking in Swedish I haven't the slightest chance of understanding what he wants until another language is employed, whether body language or hand gestures or the likes. The same is true within a language. Remember that only 10% of all communication is made up of words. The rest is in voice inflections, body language, facial cues, and so forth. Even when two people are speaking the same language, they could be completely misunderstanding each other.

Stephen R. Covey teaches that the fifth habit of highly effective people (as taught in The Seven Habits for Highly Effective People) is "Seek first to understand, then to be understood. To truly communicate with people we need to be able to explain back to them what they are feeling, preferably better than they explained it first. Not only does this enable effective communication, but it also establishes stronger trust between the individuals. We all want to be understood, but it's a difficult task to accomplish.

I think that as long as we're more concerned with understanding before being understood, the entire communication game can be dramatically simplified. Maybe all this entails is recognizing that the other person speaks differently than ourselves, and in so doing we can try to speak more effectively.

The talk.....

Okay, everyone say it with me:

Sexual intimacy.

The most awkward part of this post is now over.

We live in a world where sex is demeaned, degraded, and sold at discount price. It has been displayed as something cheap and meaningless. It is being portrayed as something entirely selfish and crude. No commitment is required and certainly no thought for the other party involved need be considered.

How sickening! This most beautiful relationship between husband and wife is being torn to shreds and sold as fodder.

Dr. Bruce Satterfield of Brigham Young University - Idaho describes the process in which two people grow in intimacy (defined as emotional closeness, not sexuality, though we will see how the two relate.)

Some of you might be familiar with this structure of a marriage:

When God is involved in the marriage like this, we see a system that in ideal for growth within the couple and increased closeness - or intimacy. You cannot grow closer to your spouse without growing closer to God, and vice versa. You also cannot grow closer to God without growing closer to your spouse.

Now take a look at the chambers within the triangle. Let's imagine that there are four of them. Starting from the bottom we'll label them "Similar Standards," "Friends," "Intimate Friends," and "Celestial Romance."

Is it possible to build a truly stable relationship without a similarity of standards? I submit no. How can it be when the basics of how we live our lives are constantly butting in against each other? Overlook them as we might, the energy it takes to do so seriously jeopardizes the possibility of anything long-lasting.

Once these ground rules have been established we can move into friendship, or, as Dr. Satterfield refers to it, the "I like you" stage. Once again, this can be with anyone we chose. I like my friends. I like my family. I enjoy their company and desire to spend time with them.

From "I like you," we can move into a more intimate relationship with our friends, when we can really say, "I love you." Granted, as we move further up in the triangle we have less and less room for people. This is only natural. I love much less people than I like. This is reserved for only my family and closest of friends. It is that selfless care and concern for their well-being. It's that attachment with them that's so close that they might as well be family.

Once we reach the top we find ourselves in a very small area - the "Celestial Romance." If we have moved up the triangle with a person correctly, taking time to firmly establish ourselves in each area, we will be in a position to choose someone - just one - with whom we desire to share that very special place. Only when it is firmly rooted in this process can intimacy and sexuality combine into a pure and sacred relationship.

In his book Human Intimacy, Victor L. Brown teaches us that when accompanied by such a high level of true intimacy, sex can provide the catalyst that brings husband and wife to an ever higher level which was not possible beforehand. However, without it, it is the basest of all relationships, placing us no higher than the animals.

Sex, when in its proper place, is a beautiful and holy thing. It partially fulfills God's commandment to become one: "And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh" (Mark 10:8). However, it can be incredibly dangerous when not under the proper circumstances. "...Sex is a river of fire that must be banked and cooled by a hundred restraints if it is not to consume in chaos both the individual and the group." [Will and Ariel Durant, The Lessons of History (New York: Simon and Schuster, 1968), pp. 35-36]

In no means does this mean it is bad. Horses are creatures who possess incredible power and are capable of a great amount of destruction if left unattended. It is just as unnecessary and unwise to destroy such creatures as it is to let them go wild. What we do instead is break them and bridle them, harnessing their strength and power in a way that allows them to be used in a much more effective and wholesome manner. Likewise, we are counseled to "bridle" our passions. Not destroy them nor let them roam free, but to harness and channel them into something of even greater strength and use. In fact, in the same passage in which are taught to bridle our passions, we are given the reason for it: "That you may be filled with love." (Alma 38:12)

How tragic is it that something so pure, beautiful and sacred has been trampled underfoot? Pornography in all of its ugly forms, prostitution, homosexuality, rape, trafficking, the list goes on. May we learn to respect and control these powerful emotions that we may truly be filled with love.

The only thing that is constant is change

Have you ever asked yourself, "How in the world did I get myself into this?"

From what I hear we very well could be asking ourselves that exact same thing once we "tie the knot." We might ask it again once we get pregnant, and then again once that baby comes.

The fact remains that change is always going to happen. The question is how we are going to deal with it. Change can be scary. It brings with it the unknown, which is one of the biggest fears of the human race. But without change, progress cannot happen. There is no comfort in the growth zone and there is no growth in the comfort zone.

Once we accept this inevitability, the transitions will be easier. Having a strong support group is always a good idea, especially when your main supporter is your spouse - the same person that you'll be going through all of this with.

Always remember that you are not the only one who has done this. Countless others have gone before you. Take heart that you, too, can do hard things.

The dating game. (Sigh.)

Q: What's the big deal with dating? Can't I get to know someone by just spending a lot of time around them?

A: Yes, you can. But is that the smartest thing to do?

Dating isn't just about getting to know someone. It's a very potent preparation for something much bigger. Almost every skill in life that is worthwhile and difficult (ever notice how those two usually go together?) will require some sort of practice to get it right. Be it music, athletics, public speaking, even social skills. Marriage is the most important thing we will do in this life; why wouldn't we want to practice for it?

By pairing off in dating we prepare ourselves for the pairing off we'll do in marriage. It provides both the guy and the girl great opportunities to practice their various roles. He'll develop his abilities to preside, provide, and protect as he initiates, plans, and pays for the dates and makes sure that she has a safe, enjoyable time. She'll be able to increase her ability to nurture and support him by accepting his date proposals and encouraging him in his endeavors.

When the two are alone together they are better able to see other sides of each other. Different environments require different behaviors, and by engaging in socializing both in public and in private each party is better able to observe if the other has any of those "red flags," such as dual-mindedness or insincerity towards others.

How often do we overlook or even roll our eyes at dating? At the same time, how often to we really realize its importance? Remember the adage, "Practice makes perfect." But in reality, this statement is false in every aspect. Practice doesn't make perfect - practice makes permanent. Therefore, if we want a happy marriage, we had better practice in happy dating, and we had better do it right.

The Difference

Boys and girls are different.

There. I said it. And I stick by it. Oh, sure, there's the obvious of what we look like, but why is it such a big deal nowadays to suggest differences between the sexes? I believe it all boils down to one main misconception:

Sameness ≠ Equality.

There has been great inequality between men and women in the past, and there still is today. But we need not get so caught up in the ideal of equality as to completely eliminate the beautiful differences of guys and girls. Men don't have to be women and women don't need to be men.

I have a right hand and I have a left hand. I need them both. They have very similar properties, and can do many of the same things just fine. But do not ask me to write legibly with my left hand and don't ask me to type the word "stewardesses" if you're in a rush. Definitely don't ask me to play the saxophone unless I have full use of both.

When God created Adam, He didn't consider the creation complete until He created Eve, "an helpmeet for him." "Helpmeet" is equivalent to "equal and opposite." Another way to look at it is this little ditty I read several years ago:

God made woman from man's rib.
Not from his foot to be trampled on,
Nor from his head to top him,
But from his side, to be equal to him,
Under his arm to be protected by him,
And close to his heart to be loved by him.

Boys and girls are different and wonderfully so. Why not celebrate and utilize these differences? As I stated in an earlier entry, someone once described beauty as finding unity within diversity. Two units which are in and of themselves opposite of each other coming together in one unified, cohesive unit is so much more powerful than individually,

Check this out. The word "man" in Hebrew is . איש That little י in the middle is called a Yod. The word "woman" is אשה.   With that last letter ה being a "Hey." No matter what happens, men will never have a hey and women will be forever yod-less. But if we take those two letters together we get  יה, which is an abbreviation for   יהוה, or Jehovah. God's name cannot be spelled without both men and women contributing.

Men and women are different, and in so being they can complete each other, complementing strengths, strengthening weaknesses, and creating a synergistic entity. True beauty is in finding unity within diversity.

Special thanks to Ross Baron for teaching me the Hebrew name principle and to http://www.ldswomenofgod.com/blog/?p=98 for providing the spelling.

Classy People

Does America have a Caste System? What about all this talk about socio-ecomonic classes? Do we belong to one? Can we change it? Do we want to? If so, how?

Like it or not, there are very different social and economic positions in the world, and we all belong to one of them. It's based on our income, how we spend our income, our tastes, our place of residency, our education, religion, and friends. But does this mean that we have to be divided into classes?

Is there a difference between a position and a class? Can I have a Master's Degree and an annual income of $80,000 a year and not be classified as an upper-middle to lower-high class citizen? Who decides where I belong anyway?

"And they began to be divided into classes; and they began to build up churches unto themselves to get gain, and began to deny the true church of Christ." (4 Nephi 1:26)

"And the people began to be distinguished by ranks, according to their riches and their chances for learning." (3 Nephi 6:12)

From what I can tell, we're the ones who decide which "class" we belong to. We do this through labeling, separation, and greed. Notice the reason why the Nephites divided themselves: to get gain.

Obviously, the law of the harvest states that we sow what we reap. Overall, the greater our ingenuity and creativity mixed with good old fashioned hard work, the greater our reward will be. I am not an advocate of communism or socialism, but I do believe in consecrating what we have to the greater good. I believe in helping people to help themselves.

Differences need to be celebrated. Someone once described beauty as finding unity within diversity. My hope is that through our collaborative efforts to utilize our differences for the common good we may find ourselves on a equal plane - one in which everyone contributes and benefits equally.

We're All Connected

How many members are there in your family? The answer might not be as clear cut as we might initially think. Mine, for instance, can be viewed in many different ways. In the strict, nuclear sense, there are just four of us: Dad, Mom, Son, Daughter. Now let's throw in three older half-siblings. Add their spouses and children. Throw in grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, nephews and nieces. And, for good measure, pets.

After you have your family members listed, try to indicate all of the different relationships between them. Mom and Dad have their relationship as a couple. Brother and Sister have theirs. Sister and Mom, Brother and Dad, Brother and Mom, Sister and Dad, we can go on (especially with all of our extensions and mixtures going on.) The web becomes almost incoherent.

You know those board games that require you to remove pieces while trying to not destroy whatever the structure is? Every member of the family is a piece to that puzzle. Remove it, and the structure is weakened and altered. No man is an island, especially in family dynamics.

Let's say that for one reason or another Brother is removed from the picture, whether to relocation, death, major mental impairment, whatever. How big of a deal is that? All of a sudden there is a gap in the web. A gap that needs to be filled. Every subset that Brother was in is now altered and weakened. The roles that he played in them are left undone. Because the different members of each subset will need to adjust in some way or another, whether it's fulfilling those missing roles or dissolving completely. Pull enough pieces to the puzzle out and the entire system will collapse.

Now let's add someone in. How about Sister getting married? An entirely new subset is formed, and now the new Husband needs to integrate into the rest of the family. See how complex it gets?

Never underestimate you role in the family. In the words of David O. McKay, "Where'er thou art, act well thy part."

Thinking critically in a world of ideas

Take a look in any given direction nowadays and you will inevitably find a slew of other peoples' opinions about what your opinion should be. "Buy this!" "Watch that!" "You need medicine X!" "You don't need problem Y!" The list goes on an on.

Now talk to some of your friends, family members, classmates or teachers about any topic and you are likely to hear the exact same messages in a different dialect. "It does that because..." "I heard that she..." "You know, studies have shown that...." Sound familiar?

We live in a day of information. There is an almost infinite variety of it available and 1,001 ways to access it (many of which are on our own cellphones.) Multiply that with how many people we know who are just as "connected" and it easily leads to one big mess.

Who are we to believe? Who's ideas are the ones which we should propagate?  Where is - and what is - the truth?

By very definition, truth is not relative. A so-called "relative truth" is merely a personal observation. Take for example the familiar picture of the old/young woman. While opinions of what is seen may vary, truth - or facts - still remain: there are certain dark markings arranged in specific ways in relation to each other. (Credit for this is due to Stephen R. Covey in his book Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.) But how we view those facts, or truths, is where the fun starts.

We are all unique individuals, and therefore will have differing views of what we see, hear, and so forth. It is only natural for us to pass on what we learn, even if we're not even that sure about it, thus information, or misinformation, spreads like wildfire.

So how do we decipher which is which? I propose the Socratic method - ask. Don't take everything you see or hear - even if it's from someone you trust - for granted. Delve deeper. Look harder. Search more intently.  Find the balance between nosy and curious, between questioning and doubtful, and that includes with your own self. You are another person, and therefore could be wrong, but could also be right. The adventure lies in finding that out. And don't worry if it turns out that you were mistaken on a certain subject. The discovery itself catapults you into a prime opportunity to not be anymore!